I wish this was one of those petty triumph stories where I come out on top after stealing some hating girl’s man. I wish.
But it’s not. I was the one who’s man got took.
First off, this is why you should never get caught up in a situationship, because that’s how you end up crying and stressing over a man who’s not really your man. And best believe he’s nowhere near as pressed about the situation as you are. But I digress.
When I transferred to my new school, I began to form friendships with my peers. I started talking to the first guy who showed interest in me on campus (I know, I know) and we ended up crushing on each other, which lead to us kind of sort of dating for the next few months (read: hooking up without clearly defining what the relationship was). Everything was great…until it wasn’t anymore. Emotionally, I just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and let my emotions screw everything up. He eventually just stopped trying and I got ghosted, never to hear from him again.
That’s when I looked towards my girlfriends for support. To gas me up and say things like “girl, he didn’t deserve you in the first place” and “you’re still that bitch with or without him”. Little did I know that one of my closest friends was sleeping with him and everyone in our friend group knew. Everyone except me.
Imagine the distraught look on my face when I had to find this out from my roommate. Here I am, smiling and akiki-ing with this girl while she’s lying to my face. In hindsight, I see that maybe she and the rest of our friends wanted to protect me from getting hurt but being kept in the dark felt 10 times worse. I looked stupid and felt even more stupid. I completely isolated myself from everyone and couldn’t even bear to show my face on campus anymore (which my gpa is STILL recovering from).
The worst part was finding out that he did things for her that I couldn’t get him to do at all for me, like going out on dates and spending time together and actually committing to being in a real relationship. Why the hell wasn’t I good enough? What was wrong with me?
I was hurt, embarrassed and betrayed. I was even more frustrated by feeling all of these emotions in the first place because I can’t be upset when he was never officially mine to begin with. But the pain was there nonetheless. I couldn’t heal until I acknowledged and validated my feelings. I had to be kinder to myself and figure this out.
There were a few intrusive thoughts that I had to address:
“Why wasn’t I good enough?”
The fact that he decided to be with her in no way means that you are less then. Don’t you ever feel as if you’re not enough, because you’ll be more than enough for the right person. He just wasn’t the one and maybe she was just a better match for him. That doesn’t lessen your personal value in any way.
“But she was one of my closest friends on campus. I confided in her about my past hurt and she still took it upon herself to hurt me anyways. I was stupid for trusting her.”
You’re not stupid for trusting a friend. Really, the whole situation says a lot more about who she truly is as a person than it does about you. Don’t let this experience make you bitter. Keep loving and caring and trusting people because that’s who you are. The right ones will appreciate it and return the feeling.
“I just don’t understand how she could do that. I could never treat someone I call my friend like that.”
A hard but necessary life lesson to learn is that not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone is going to share the same values, standards or morals that you do. And it sucks. But it makes it easier to understand why people may act they way they do instead of dwelling on how they hurt you. Now instead of thinking “How could they do that?” you can just say “Clearly bitches is just out here being uncouth and I choose to not be a part of that”.
So would I say that I’m completely over it? Honestly no. But it gets easier every day. Healing isn’t this linear process. It’s messy, confusing and frustrating. But it’s also calming and reassuring. I’ve found peace within my healing process. I know that I can handle whatever life decides to throw at me.